It’s Been a While
“Hey, it’s been a while! How are you? How’s life?”
A simple greeting and a couple of questions that can be so daunting when we think of that person. You know, that person, you just thought of them. Whoever they are, wherever they are, and however they came into and out of your life, it’s been a while. You haven’t talked to them in a long, long time.
Life can get crazy without us realizing that everything around us gradually changed. One day we might have felt comfortable as time passed slow and steady, and we spent our days laughing with the people we love. Maybe those are your days right now. Some time passes and we may still feel comfortable, we may still laugh, but the days fly by faster than they used to. We may not notice it, but some of those people we love are further from us, and we spend less days alongside them.
There are some friendships that can thrive through this – you go weeks or maybe months without contact, but one phone call or one cup of coffee feels like not even an hour has passed. You leave that chat refreshed, blessed with a bond that’ll never be broken. But then there’s that person, who it might take a lot more effort to catch up and reconnect with. And that chat might be far less refreshing.
We are also not so fortunate to live in a very busy culture. You know the drill: We spend most of our time working, then we need to take care of our homes and ourselves. And part of taking care of ourselves should include social time, but if we have the energy for that, it’s easier with the people we are more comfortable with: Either the everyday friends, or those ones who we thrive through the distance with. But it is a lot harder to make time in your busy schedule for that person. It takes extra effort to commit any of our precious little time to them, after however long it’s been.
We all have whatever we have going on, and it makes it hard to keep up with every connection. Let alone when life happens, and everything is on hold. Through all of that, you two haven’t spoken. Your life got in the way. Their life got in the way. In a world of technology and a whirlwind of communication, you haven’t talked to them in a long time.
That whirlwind of communication in our world of technology hasn’t actually made it easier. Quite the opposite. With a supercomputer in our pocket that notifies us of every little thing while tracking everything we do, this opportunity for knowledge and reconnection instead just adds to the hectic nature of our day to day.
Our anxieties are enhanced while we are overstimulated by nothingness. Distracted by news that doesn’t hurt us, depressed by things we can’t fix, hurt by wounds that aren’t ours, and we can’t seem to put it away. All from a 3 inch screen that’s 6 inches from our face for 9 hours a day. And that 3-6-9 is not so fine. It just makes us feel low. Damn.
Who would have thought that in a world where we all have phones with internet access almost 24/7, we would let so much time fly by without talking to each other? We’re busy with work. And when we aren’t busy at work, we are busy trying to be adults. And when we aren’t busy trying to be adults, we’re busy trying to have a social life. And through all of that, we are staring into our screens.
Maybe it’s unnatural, the way we’re living. Actually, that’s not even a maybe. The way we are living is unnatural. Far from the way our species lived for generations upon generations. This mad dash of progress over the last ten, twenty, hundred years or so has driven us lightyears away from where we came from.
Part of that person becoming that person could be part of the human condition, only magnified by the way we live now. Think about our ancestors, even just a handful of generations back, who wouldn’t talk for weeks or months on end. Before the world was globalized, people still had to relocate. And with so fewer modes of communication, weeks or even months would go by between messages. That distance and time made every letter more important, made every word more powerful. The longer they would be apart, the more they appreciated it. Maybe if we didn’t have the pressure of instant communication, we wouldn’t feel so heavy about how long it’s been since we connected with that person.
There’s people we love who live far from us, but two next-door neighbors could one day stop talking. I refuse to believe it is a new phenomenon that we could feel a world away from someone who lives down the block, technology be damned. Sometimes that person is right around the corner, and we still can’t walk over to say hi.
So, that person you might be thinking about: That person. Where are they? How long has it been?
Did something happen?
If something happened, what the hell are you doing about it now? If that little something cannot be repaired, stop thinking about them. The past can only hurt you again when you let it. Yes, that is a brutal oversimplification of trauma and human emotion, but you will never get better without at least trying.
If something happened that can be repaired, what is your reason for waiting? Sometimes, it is because you genuinely haven’t thought about the person in a while. That’s okay when that happens, in fact, it’s probably best for both of you. But often, I think it comes down to pride or laziness.
We become too proud to admit maybe we were wrong, or that we could have done something differently. Even if we were the ones who were wronged, we probably still could have handled things differently, and been a bit more gracious through a bad situation.
Or, if that person did something to us, are we too proud to forgive them? Are we too proud to take the first step towards them? Pride like that sucks. The only thing pride really gets you in the end is a big ego, and a big ego is only going to drive more people away from you, making that person into those people. So if that’s what’s in the way, put your pride aside, and reach out.
“Laziness” was unfair of me to say, because that isn’t really what’s happening – but it got your attention, didn’t it?!
Instead of laziness, it’s back to the busy nature of our day-to-day, and the struggle we go through to even feel some sense of normalcy or connection. And when we do have the time and energy to be with people, maybe we would rather be with people that we don’t need to reconnect with. People we know every day, people we haven’t lost touch with, people who we can just be around and be ourselves effortlessly. That’s a good thing. The point is not to spend less time with those people.
However, something being difficult is not a good reason to avoid it. Especially because, a while back, that person meant the world to you. Life moves us in different directions, and the distance (either physical or emotional) got in the way of what you used to have. It takes a lot of effort to reconnect with someone. Heck, it probably takes more effort to reconnect than it does to make a new friend altogether. But if you’re thinking of them, missing them, and wondering how they are, it isn’t going to get any easier by thinking, missing, and wondering without action.
Sometimes, nothing happened, and people just grow apart.
If you are thinking about them, and nothing happened back then, then why has nothing happened since? Well, sometimes when “nothing” happened, that makes it hard to reconnect after so much time, because the only distance between the two of you was your mutual fault. It can be uncomfortable to cross that bridge back to where you were. However, if the bridge isn’t burnt, and you keep thinking about what is on the other side, try to cross it.
Listen, it would be all too unfair to pretend every lost connection is an actual loss. Some mishaps are best left in the past: Forgive and forget and move along. Sometimes, we need to let certain people go so we can find better ones for us. Other times, we need to grow in a different direction than they were taking us, and we can still be happy for our old friends’ journeys without our own lives following suit.
The message of all this is not to hold onto every connection ever. Many reasons to let someone go will far outweigh any reason to bring them back, and you should seek the wisdom to know the difference. Too often, we wait until it’s too late to move on from the connections that no longer serve us. We try to please too many people, and in the end, we sacrifice who we were supposed to be, or where we were supposed to go. We stunt our own growth by staying away from our calling. We don’t meet that person we should have because we ignored a gut feeling to get on that train, and instead waited behind at the station.
It is okay to let people go. It can be a fine line between knowing who we have to let go, and who we should hold onto. Maybe it’s not a fine line at all, and we know with confidence who to leave behind. Again, it is okay to let people go.
But when you let them go and you wish you hadn’t, or you just want to let them know you are still on their side from afar, what is stopping you? You have the means if you have the will.
I wish I could say that they aren’t going anywhere, or you have all the time in the world. If I told you either of those statements, I would be telling you lies. You might wait too long and miss the chance to reconnect before they are really gone: Either emotionally putting you in the past, or leaving this whole world behind for the next. Those wounds are hard to heal. So what are you waiting for?
If you feel embarrassed for how long it has been, think of this: They haven’t reached out to you either. Forgive yourself, forgive them too, and say hello. It might be the best thing you ever do. Worst case scenario, they don’t answer back. And if that happens, at least you have your answer that that person is in the past now.
It is hard, and awkward, and sometimes bites you in the butt. It can also be extremely worthwhile to see that friend again. To find what you lost, rebuild what was broken, and feel that same joy you might have dreamed about for years.
It isn’t impossible, it happens every day, but it’'ll never happen for those who don’t try. Nothing does. With a little bit of effort, and a lot of good intentions, amazing things can happen. It’s never guaranteed, but I know it’s worth the chance.